SYS.QUARTER_POUNDERS.V1

The Quarter Pounders

Four humans. One questionable plan. Sixteen stations of chaos.

VIEW ROSTER SUPER POWERS COURSE MAP GYM SIM

Player cards (stats 100% scientifically dubious)

Kirstin

@hunneyball_

LEG 1 — “Warm-Up Was A Lie”

Chaos
94
Hype
∞
SkiErg face
😵
Pre-race snacks
7
Luck
questionable
Signature move
Accidental sprint
INSTAGRAM →

Carsten

@schellenbauer

LEG 2 — Sled Psychologist

Push power
112%
Pull drama
season 4
Grunt volume
LOUD
Resting HR
“fine”
Wall ball aim
mostly
Rare drop
Legendary coach energy
INSTAGRAM →

Vicki Alexia

@vickialexia_

LEG 3 — Burpee Broad Jump Goblin

Vertical hop
3 biscuits
Row watts
enough
Farmer carry grip
vice
Hair still cute
No
Mental maths
“what lap is this”
Buff
+10 sparkle
INSTAGRAM →
CAPTAIN?

Sam Oliverz

@sam.oliverz

LEG 4 — Wall Ball & Regret

Wall balls
100 (in theory)
Sandbag lunges
wobbly
Trash talk
deployed
Hydration
forgot
Post-race pizza
locked in
Secret stat
Charisma / Overthinking
INSTAGRAM →

Super powers (canon until disproven)

Illegal in most federations. The Quarter Pounders do not care.

Kirstin

Snackrifice

Once per lap, may convert a gel into a short burst of spite-speed. Side effect: aggressive eye contact with the SkiErg.

Carsten

Sled Whisperer

The sled believes it is lighter than physics allows. It is not. Carsten does not accept this and pushes anyway.

Vicki

Burpee Blink

Briefly exists in two places; judges are too tired to argue. Emerges with slightly more glitter than regulation permits.

Sam

Wall Ball Prophecy

Sees the 100th rep before it happens. Accuracy: debatable. Confidence: maximum. Shoulders: complaining.

Relay course // OFFICIAL(ISH) STAGE LIST

Each tiny runner below represents a stage. Green = run. Magenta = station. Cyan = your soul leaving your body.

  1. 011 km run
  2. 02SkiErg — 1000 m
  3. 031 km run
  4. 04Sled push — 50 m
  5. 051 km run
  6. 06Sled pull — 50 m
  7. 071 km run
  8. 08Burpee broad jumps — 80 m
  9. 091 km run
  10. 10Row — 1000 m
  11. 111 km run
  12. 12Farmer’s carry — 200 m
  13. 131 km run
  14. 14Sandbag lunges — 100 m
  15. 151 km run
  16. 16Wall balls — 100 reps

Gym sim // BETTING NOT LEGAL ANYWHERE

Boost pads, dumbbell trips, and live placings. Pick a runner, flip START, and pray to the neon gods. Payouts are imaginary; your pride is not.

STATUS: IDLE — PLACE BET

Place bet (1 runner)
Race

> SILLY_COINS

1000 (local only)

Team lore (fanfic tier)

> MISSION_LOG

The Quarter Pounders did not “train”. We simply manifested a relay. The course is 8 km of running plus enough stations to make your quads file for unemployment.

> STRATEGY

Leg order subject to last-minute panic. If someone vanishes mid-race, we replace them with whoever is holding a protein bar.

> DISCLAIMER

All statistics on this page are fictional. Any resemblance to actual athletic performance is purely coincidental and legally hilarious.